Unforeseen Consequences of Marriage Equality Referendum

Something has changed in the Therapy room since the Referendum on marriage equality in Ireland. The outcome of that vote has had unforeseen consequences.

When we are unwilling to take full responsibility for ourselves, for our lives and happiness, we often Project our inability to do so onto those around us, or onto a specific group, or onto society as a whole. In the therapy space, for a client confronting a difficult decision in their life, one might hear a statement like “you know how people are” or “you know what people would say”.  The inference here is that people are critical, disapproving or homophobic. This can be the perception for one who fears change – like career direction change, or leaving a relationship, or coming out, or such big life challenges. As a defense, the person might blame society for their unhappiness rather than take full responsibility themselves.

Our society made a big statement that day. We didn’t just say “yes” to marriage equality. Society said “I am aware, I understand, and I care about each person’s right to happiness and fulfillment”.

Because of this public outcome, reality testing of the belief that society “does not care” or “is to blame” no longer holds up to scrutiny in the therapy room. This helps clients to look at taking ownership and responsibility for their own lives and happiness outcomes – whatever the issue. 

Healthy ripples are now being felt in greater society from that referendum outcome. Clients see that society is not as overbearing as they might have perceived. People describe feeling “less guarded” as they walk down the street. And this experience is not confined to people whose lives were directly impacted by the marriage equality referendum.

There’s something for everybody in the outcome of the vote. We’ve had a healthy debate and the opportunity to publicly demonstrate consideration and compassion. In the process, Society has grown & matured somewhat and our complex statement has opened the eyes of many to the possibilities for personal happiness and fulfillment within this nation.

Tom Evans is a father, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton & Cork City, Ireland.  086 3375310

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:     www.facebook.com/corktherapies

10 Tips for new dads - when mum & baby arrive home

1 Get organised, timetable your schedules in advance. Get cooking, freeze some meals. Setup online grocery shopping & home delivery. Most of the providers save “your favourites” so it gets easier and faster each time you shop. Cost is negligible.

2 Nappies are no bother once you’ve done a few. You’ll soon get the routine. Have your changing table, supplies & disposal organised. Get your baby holdall bag organised - just the basics for nappy change & clothes changes. You won’t need to carry everything with you.

3 Grab moments when baby sleeps on your tummy. This will likely only happen for a very short period in your baby's life - over the first few weeks or months. You will savour the memory forever.

4 Sleep will be challenged. Sleep is fundamental. Sleeping patterns will be overturned. She will need to synchronise hers with the baby. Use the spare room or over-the-counter sleeping remedies if your sleep is suffering. 

5 Your partner will most likely be less available emotionally – be ready for that and cut her some slack. She may not want sex for weeks or months. Generally it’s out for the first 4 to 6 weeks due to the risk of infection, bleeding, healing etc - depending on the birth. Don’t pressurise. Talk about it. Open communication is the key to building intimacy. There are other ways to reconnect – like holding, cuddling, chatting and sharing over a glass of wine when baby is asleep. Do prioritise your connection. Do not render it a low priority.

6 Have lots of fun. Once your baby gets more aware, get on down there on the floor together – it’s a great opportunity for a second childhood and to form a cool bond with your smallie.

7 Look after your mental health. The first 6 months of each child’s life is very stressful for both parents. You need to be resourced and supported to withstand the stress & anxiety. Then you will be more available to support your partner and family. 

8 Do not isolate yourself. You will need breaks also. We do not operate at our optimum when isolated. Sharing eases everything. Openness to support and asking for it are vital – for you both. Cuidiu offers women a fantastic way to meet others who are coping with exactly what you are – in a very easy relaxed way – at coffee mornings either in local café’s or someone’s home. For men, we don’t have the same ready-made solution available – so setup a dads group. I set one up in Midleton and 7 of us still meet regularly.

9 Don’t bother spending big bucks on expensive hardware – ie prams buggies etc. The most versatile, usable & user friendly one will invariably be your Maclaren foldable pushchair. Get yourself a wearable baby-carrier (we used the Beko soft-carrier for our 3 – immensely comfy for baby & dad or mom & looks the business). When it comes to car child seats, use an iso-fix designed one. They truly are worth the bobs. Hugely safe & durable. Our 4 year old is still in his – and the same unit has safely transported our 3 over the past 7 years.

10 Enjoy. Enjoy. Enjoy.

Useful links;
Related articles of mine: “Pregnancy for expectant dads”:  http://pullupachairthere.blogspot.ie/2015/01/pregnancy-for-expectant-dads.html

"The birth Journey"

http://pullupachairthere.blogspot.ie/2015/07/the-birth-journey-tales-from-dads-side_22.html

Cuidiu (Caring Support for Parenthood): http://www.cuidiu-ict.ie/

Tom Evans is a father, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Co. Cork.

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:     www.facebook.com/corktherapies

Two Sides to Every Story

History is on my mind today. As I went to my local polling station, I glanced across Cork harbour at the beauty of Cobh and I thought of my grandparents, 3 of whom emigrated via Cobh (formerly Queenstown) to the USA over 100 years ago. Shipping and transatlantic traffic had advanced to a new level back then. As they left in the early 1900s, they were amongst the first wave of emigrants for whom returning to Ireland again was a possibility – albeit a very remote one.

All of this crossed my mind this morning because I had seen some earlier twitter traffic showing the huge numbers of Irish emigrants journeying back to Ireland – just for today – to vote in our historic marriage equality referendum - extending marriage to same-sex couples. I wondered if many emigrants over the generations felt they had to emigrate so they could live authentically and true to themselves? I felt the hand of history today – and hoped that this day would be a defining one in our nation’s evolution - a day to truly herald equality and inclusion.

It’s funny that my grandfather entered my mind again soon after. "There’s 2 sides to every story" he used to say. When I arrived at my polling station, I was met at the door with a powerful religious display of the virgin Mary surrounded by children. Given the significant issue of the day, the emphasis on children during the campaign, and the position adopted by the church, I felt the display was inappropriate for today. Irish law prohibits “participant” groups from having displays near to the polling station on polling day.

It made me feel uncomfortable – not because of the religious aspect but because of its juxtaposition to the civil referendum taking place. When I highlighted this to the polling station staff, they were very understanding and helpful in their explanation. This polling station happens to be a Catholic denomination school, this a school-related Confirmation display that’s been there for weeks – in this same location. They said they would address it with the school. I heard their reasonable explanation and I understood the celebration it was associated with. There are two sides to every story.

We’ve heard from both sides in this referendum debate. It’s been divisive for some. But what a healthy conversation we have had as a nation. Yes there’s been hurt aired and provoked – on both sides. But we’ve been extremely honest and passionate. We have led the way in terms of open discussion.

Ok, so already approx 18 countries have legalised gay marriage. But we are the first country in the world to put the issue to a democratic vote for our citizens to decide. We are the first country in the world to have had this open, healthy and honest discussion. 

Well done us.  It takes two sides to make History.

Tom Evans is a father, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork.

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:     www.facebook.com/corktherapies

Live and Let Live eh?

It is interesting looking at the Irish nation through the lens of the upcoming marriage equality referendum. It is a snapshot of the big ‘Us’. Exactly where we are at in terms of our vision and aspirations for ourselves, for our country and our place in the world.

For me, there are two important pointers on that lens: our acceptance of difference among our people and the degree of inclusivity in our national conversations. We’ve always had a nice phrase for it - “live and let live”.

As I cuddle my kids, and kiss them good night, I sometimes think what a precious passage it is – through the day, and through our lives. It beats me that somebody would deny another person the right to be a parent, or the right to marry the person they love.

I hear the genuinely raised concerns about the impact of this referendum legislation on the conventional family unit. What this piece seeks to ensure, is that the union of a gay or lesbian couple is equally respected and supported in the eyes of our constitution as that of my wife and I. This does not weaken or threaten our union or our family unit in any way. In fact, our marriage and our family will be enhanced, because we will live in an enlightened country that respects, supports and cherishes all families equally - in a mature and responsible way.

I hear the lofty rationale for justifying discrimination against people based on their sexual orientation, but no matter how it is presented, discrimination is discrimination. I quote Colm O'Gorman, Executive Director of Amnesty International Ireland: "The best way to eliminate discrimination against people is not to discriminate". Equal rights for all.

Fear often lies beneath our sophisticated reasoned arguments for discrimination. Fear of difference, fear of inclusion, fear of embracing life in all of its diversity. To quote Marianne Williamson “it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us”.

As well as being a dad and husband, I work as a counsellor. I see society’s discriminatory messages legitimised in our laws and how they impact peoples’ day-to-day lives. Words and therefore votes can hurt deeply. That kind of pain impacts on people’s well-being, their mental health and even their life expectancy.

This referendum is important to me - as a man, a dad and a husband. I want my kids to grow up in a country where everybody is deemed a first class citizen – not one that fosters division, discrimination or denial - to some. Discrimination always says more about the speaker than the person being discriminated against. It genuinely saddens me how people who care deeply for others can at the same time, support injustice and discrimination against some.

I want to live in an inclusive enlightened society and I’d like to do my bit to build it - for my kids and their generation. I am grateful for much of the legacy of the previous generation, but there is still much to let go of. Discrimination based on sexual orientation is part of that legacy that is unjust and wrong. It doesn’t take any special awareness to realise that exclusion and discrimination breed dysfunction and therefore lead to hurt and pain.

I want my kids to be socially adept to embrace change and diversity. I want them to feel secure enough that they are comfortable with other people’s ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation. I want them to never feel discriminated against. Whether it’s based on colour, religious views or lack thereof, or sexual orientation, I want a society that says “live and let live”. And my wish is that they will buy into that themselves and propagate it in their lives, wherever they go.

Today, our families come in all shapes and sizes, so let us nurture and support them all. Embrace inclusion and celebrate difference. Live and let live.

Tom Evans is a father, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork.

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:     www.facebook.com/corktherapies

Big Decisions

Sometimes we shy away from making big changes in life. We know deep down that things are not quite right. Whether it’s work, relationship, family, abode, the list goes on...

These are big decisions and complicated situations. That is the nature of adult life. There may be other people to consider. Financial considerations might limit our choices or the risks are too great to make changes. 

Sometimes it’s our discomfort with vulnerability that keeps us in a rut. We fear doing something different. We fear changing something that has become habitual and familiar, even if resented. We might attribute our fear to others – as in “what will my family or friends say?” but essentially, it is our fear.

In the therapy world, one frame for psychotherapy is based on the premise that when our environment is not sufficiently supportive at a particular life stage, we can hold the trauma incurred at that point (eg. accident, abuse, death of someone close), and, we can access the psychological and emotional pain years after the original trauma occurred. 

Un-healed trauma can become active later in our lives - either for resolution, or in an unhelpful way - when stress is high. Unresolved issues can keep us stuck in a rut and unable to overcome our own inertia. We'll feel as though we're incapable or undeserving of taking big steps and making bold moves - that our hearts and minds desire. 

There’s a piece at the core of therapy, called “inner child work”. It’s about examining the inner relationship – between ourselves at this adult juncture and our earlier "inner-child" part. The work concentrates on healing the child-part that might have suffered emotional and psychological trauma earlier in life. Therapy for such issues can be rewarding and life changing.

And sometimes there isn’t an identifiable event or obvious reason for our being “stuck”. We may just need to hear ourselves think and talk through our fears. The benefits of talking therapy are profound, and the rewards come at many levels. Once the inner relationship is healthy, all else follows.

Tom Evans is a father, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork.

Call: 086 3375310

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:    www.facebook.com/corktherapies