Lifetime of memories!

When I play with my kids and their LEGO bricks, I’m taken back to when I’m a little boy, and my grandparents and I are visiting our cousins farm high in the spectacular mountains of the Dingle peninsula, jutting out in the Atlantic - at the south western corner of Ireland. On one of these visits, I was handed a small box containing a gift that was about to transform and define my childhood. “You can have these, because our Johnny has finished with them” I clearly remember my kind cousin saying.

I still remember peering inside curiously. I had never seen the like before. “LEGO” I heard her say. Right away I knew this was very special and I remember running the 2 miles downhill to our home family farm – all the while clutching this precious cargo. I will never ever forget that blue, grey and yellow truck, with steering, and doors that opened!

Over the next ten years this toy transfixed me and provided infinite hours of joy and amazement. These, along with additional bricks I acquired during my childhood were guarded meticulously. The inventing I did - with that relatively small number of bricks by today’s standards! Now I know this was formative in my spending many years in the engineering industry as an adult.

Three decades later, and my wife and I were told at our first baby scan – “it’s a boy". As I rejoiced at the prospect of being a dad, my inner child went “boy’s toys! Lego bricks!" Today, 3 children later, 2 boys and one girl, and they each have stacks of Lego. No Christmas is complete without a special big pack. It’s the gift I’m itching for them to get and I can’t wait for Santa to deliver! We’ve got all the range – boxes and boxes – its incredible how much. No School break is complete without a big Lego project! We design our own, sorry, ahem they design their own... Ok, I put my hands up – when it’s LEGO time, I’m a child just like them.

Now as a dad, I’m aghast at their imagination. Like when my boy was five and he put 2 ship hulls back to back to create a super-tanker – we spent Easter week working on that project! I love the colours that my daughter uses in her creations. When we revisit the farm back on the Dingle peninsula, they come away and build tractors and combine harvesters over the following days.

I love it. I love how it has evolved. I love the multitude of new shapes and designs. And crucially – what is so So SO special about Lego is that, in amongst all the cool modern advanced brick shapes, I can still find the exact same bricks that I played with decades ago. In that moment I am taken back to that kitchen table and I can hear those younger voices and see my family’s faces from that time.

Today Lego is providing me with a new sweep of memories. I will always treasure the memory of my eldest boy, when he was little, running to me clutching his box of bricks saying “daddy do you want to play?” Or the other morning, just as everybody poured out the door to school at 8.50am, and our youngest manages to get a Lego brick stuck up his nose! And today, my little girl coming with a Lego creation saying, “daddy I made this for you”. It blows my mind and melts my heart. I’m thrilled when I see the three of them play enthusiastically and laughing together - around a mountain of LEGO!

Our family share a recurring dream. It’s to visit LEGOLAND Windsor Resort – the LEGO theme park and LEGO themed hotel near London. My wife and I share this one. She is a big LEGO fan also. This is the family trip that really floats our boat and sparks our imagination. It’s been on the kids wish-list for a long time and the youngest is now old enough to enjoy it also. They’ve all finally got the stamina for the endless activities and amusements available there. We are all very excited that it might soon be the next chapter in our family LEGO story.

Not only has this toy defined and enriched my childhood, it now marks the most precious moments for me with my own children during their childhoods - and for our family. Thanks LEGO for the memories of a lifetime!

Tom Evans is a dad, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork, Rep of Irl.

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:    www.facebook.com/corktherapies

Pregnancy for Expectant dads.

Oh the excitement before we had our first baby. The thrill when we realised we were bringing a little one into our world – a monumental step.

I remember the first scan at 12 weeks. How miniscule, other-worldly and moving that was. Seeing the curled-up form of our little baby, with its own independently beating heart - was a life-defining moment. A new life in the making. It was mind-blowing and emotional. And we discovered it was going to be a little boy. We couldn't wait to see our baby again so, a while later, we went for another scan, paying extra to get 40 photos, the DVD, the whole shooting match!

On holidays that summer, before the birth, we started a book for our new baby, a kind of place to write letters to him. Now we’ve got books for each of our three kids. Hopefully they’ll make interesting reading for our adult children one day. If the house was on fire and everybody out, these might be among the very few items I’d consider going back in for. Everything is in those books - reminiscences, anecdotes, the crazy stuff they do, the mad phrases they use, if they’re doing my head in, that’s in there too.

The first pregnancy is full of upsides for dad. There's hardly any debate about who’ll drive back from the pub. No worries about contraception and chances are mammy’s appetite in the bedroom won’t be dented till well into the third trimester. There’s plenty time to get organised, get informed, get equipped and decorate the baby room etc. And it's a second childhood for dad. When I heard that our first was going to be a boy, I was thrilled - boy toys! Lego bricks! wheels!

It's awesome seeing your partner's body changing and imagining a little one growing in there. I learned that his hearing abilities had developed by 24 weeks and I remember having one-way conversations with Amy’s bump from then onwards. When the kicking first started I was convinced there was a code here to be cracked somehow. This was my boy successfully communicating with his dad, planning his escape!

Like mammies, us dads evolve to meet the challenge too. More love flows, we grow closer as partners and we create a baby ready and friendly place. Dads get involved in the whole “nesting” process – that time during the third Trimester when expectant mums become concerned with not only space, colours and fabrics, but also about income, expenditure, and financial security. It's her deepest maternal instinct to provide for her baby’s security. Also, sex is going to become less frequent and less adventurous around then. An insecure dad might feel a bit un-alpha-male but, hey, you’re going to be a dad soon, so climb down from the proverbial cross – as she’ll need the wood no doubt – for shelving or something.

If there’s stuff that’s taking from your enjoyment of this special time, discuss it with her. If you feel unable to do that, then at least have the odd chin wag with a buddy who you confide in – its’ probably nothing that other dads won’t be familiar with. 

Becoming a dad can sometimes require us dads to up our game. This needn't send a shudder up the spine - as the first baby won't transform life beyond recognition. If you're active outside of home, with sports, hobbies, social life, as well as work, you might need to make some choices or changes. No need to throw your toys out of the pram though. ‘You-time’ won’t disappear when the baby arrives. Your fellow dad buddies will readily understand, while the non-dad buddies might be trickier. 

Don’t isolate yourself. It's important that you hold onto your pint night with the lads or whatever your thing is. Even with 2 children, I found that there was still adequate ‘me-time’ available. But pregnancy number 3 was a game changer. ‘Me-time’ evaporated overnight. The workload became constant and totally overwhelming. I had to flog my boat around then. Literally. That was a ballbreaker..

Overall, I found the first six months heavy going with each of our kids - sleep deprivation being the biggest challenge. Everything escalates when sleep is bad. Don’t hesitate to use the spare room or take those naps. And there are plenty non-habit-forming sleep remedies available over the counter. Do what’s needed to keep yourself ticking over and the parenting adventure will be full of joy, new possibilities and fulfilment. Good luck on your journey!

Useful links; Related articles of mine: 

"The birth Journey"

http://pullupachairthere.blogspot.ie/2015/07/the-birth-journey-tales-from-dads-side_22.html

"10 tips for new dads - when mom and baby come home"

www.pullupachairthere.blogspot.ie/2015/07/10-tips-for-dads-when-new-baby-arrives.html

Tom Evans is a dad, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork, Rep of Irl.

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:    www.facebook.com/corktherapies

The Birth Journey.

When it comes to helping your partner giving birth, you will need to be the carrier of everything, from bags and birth balls to the weight of expectations.

Men can provide support at many levels. As you’ve seen on TV, you can help with massage, fanning her brow, helping with positions, bringing her drinks and snacks. You will need to sustain your energy throughout the night also, so remember to bring plenty snacks so you don’t have to go hunter-gathering when you are most needed by her side.

Most likely birth will be during night-time. It goes back to early programming and the body relaxing more during night-time. The science bit is the hormone Melatonin - which helps to kick-start labour. That’s the sleep hormone - stimulated by darkness. So it helps if there are no bright lights. This will often be difficult to achieve in hospital. Two of our 3 were born at home, one being born during the day. Our house was cave-like in darkness throughout that day.

The two hormones that get labour going are progesterone and oxytocin. The good news is that us men can bring these to the party naturally. Progesterone is present in semen whilst oxytocin is the love hormone – so get jiggy and help get labour underway! Then there’s no need for synthetic substitutes being provided medically. You won’t find that piece of information in the hospital literature... But you will find it in resources that promote less-medicalised births.

During contractions, go with your partner’s energy and with whatever she needs at that moment. She might want to hold you, you to hold her or to stay back entirely. She will need you to trust her instincts - utterly. Birth happens more easily when the woman feels empowered. The more information the better – so be ready to do the leg work and find answers to her questions. Try to leave your own anxiety outside. Adrenaline is contagious, so if your stress levels are high, she will start to get anxious too, and the adrenaline hormone halts labour. Dad needs to provide strength and support - not to add to stress and anxiety.

The more empowered and trusting the woman is of herself, and of her ability to withstand pain, the less likelihood of a medicalised birth. Prepare for this – do antenatal classes or birth preparation classes to empower yourselves, such as Cuidiu antenatal classes or Gentlebirth. My wife Amy has recently started teaching under the Cuidiu umbrella and runs classes in Cork as Totallybirth. Remember that both men and women are designed to cope with the experience of birth since the beginning of time.

Fathers bring a huge amount to the birth experience.  You will never ever forget it – in every detail. It will likely be the most emotional experience of your own life. You will want to savour it forever. As well as being proud of your partner and baby, you will take pride in your achievement, your place in it all, your being a man, and now a dad. Good luck on your journey!

Useful links; 
A related article of mine: “Pregnancy for expectant dads”: 
http://pullupachairthere.blogspot.ie/2015/01/pregnancy-for-expectant-dads.html

Another related article; "10 Tips for new dads - when mum and baby arrive home"

www.pullupachairthere.blogspot.ie/2015/07/10-tips-for-dads-when-new-baby-arrives.html

Totallybirth Cork: https://www.facebook.com/TotallyBirth.

Tom Evans is a dad, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Co. Cork, Rep of Irl.

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:     www.facebook.com/corktherapies

The Gem at the Heart of our Community.

Ever since moving to Aghada 8 years ago, we have found that this part of East Cork provides everything we have needed for ourselves and for rearing our family. For a small community, it certainly delivers. From school to sports, shop to pub, builders to satellite man, it’s all here.

There’s a very special place at the heart of this community - operating from a non-descript prefab building. This place provides a level of service that makes it a centre of excellence in this country. It is the Aghada Community Playgroup for pre-school children. It was originally set up over 10 years ago by Mary Cotter, Gillian Berry, Susan Merz and interested parents. It is still operated by Mary, the team and families from the community. It offers a high quality childcare service to the Aghada, Whitegate, Saleen and surrounding areas.

In 2012, during its 10th Anniversary, it was the first playschool in the country achieve the prestigious “Síolta” Accreditation from HSE. It got the highest possible Síolta (Irish word for Seeds) quality rating in all capacities. It leads the way in childcare services in Ireland. 

In Aghada and the surrounding district, children with specific needs/disabilities can access mainstream pre-school services in their own community - because of this extraordinary service. It is recognised as one of the top two in Co Cork for welcoming children with specific needs.

In our house, we’ve a wealth of positive experience of the playschool. We currently have our third little one in there. Their earliest school-going memories have been created in that space. They’ve sang, baked, painted, built, created, played and played, and played some more. They’ve made their very first friends up there. Our older two are in “big school” now – over the fence, and these early friendships have carried through into primary school for them. 

They’ve had their first streaks of independence – at age 3 and 4 – in that playschool. We saw our oldest flourish and gain confidence during his year there. Our youngest sang his favourite song – American Pie - on his second day there. They’ve all had happy times there and the older ones still speak fondly about it - and the staff who worked with them.

And this is the key-stone that makes it all possible - the people who work there, the key-workers. Their care, concern and commitment are second to none. They are utterly there for each child. We get a glimpse of this in the warmth of their welcomes and goodbye’s to our kids every day. They forge solid connections and really tune into the children. As a parent, I’ve also appreciated that when they spot something of concern, they raise it.

Here’s an example of their commitment to quality. The staff-to-child ratio at Aghada Community Playgroup is 1 key-worker to every 8 children. If they worked to the Childcare regulations, they could allow up to 11 kids for each keyworker - space allowing. But this would greatly affect the quality of attending to each child – so they deliberately choose not to increase the ratio – so every child gets the time and attention they need and deserve. 

A higher ratio would mean more kids attending and this in turn would bring in more state funding. So their commitment to quality is costing them money.  Such examples of a principled stand are rare in Ireland today. The developmental impact of this on our local children and the future spinoff for our community is unquantifiable. These are highly qualified and professional staff. But this commitment and professionalism is not recognised by government departments.

Today, playschool staff – from playschools all over Ireland, take part in a protest march in Dublin. They want to bring attention to the work they do and how this sector deserves better recognition within our health and educational systems. As a parent, I feel they deserve our support on their stance – today and every day. We do not want them to feel left out in the cold any longer.

Tom Evans is a dad, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork, Rep of Irl.

Call: 086 3375310

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:    www.facebook.com/corktherapies