Importance of Children's Anger

There’s an expression that I hear occasionally that sets off alarm bells for me. It’s the statement: “that child is the best in the world and never gets angry”. Frankly I’m sceptical when I hear that.

Everybody feels anger and gets angry from time to time. Anger is a perfectly healthy emotion. If a child never shows anger, then something is wrong - in my book. It’s likely that child is picking up subtle messages about anger from his or her environment. Maybe “we don’t get angry around here” – because we’re too mild for that. Or it might be too dangerous for the child to show theirs because mum or dad’s anger is so furious and intimidating.

So for the child who never shows anger – where does it go?

You know that statement you’ll often hear spoken about adults “He’s a saint” or “she’d never say boo to a goose”. Honestly, when I hear that, I'll feel for that person because they are unable to show their anger. They might even be unaware of it at this point. Unsurprisingly, they'll often have unexplained high blood pressure or might be on anti-depressive medication.

In the therapy room, I'll regularly meet people who have suicidal thoughts, especially men. Suicidality is much more common among our men. And often with suicidal clients, the following holds true: Anger is turned inwards, directed towards them-selves instead of outwards in a healthy and appropriate way. Suicide is the ultimate violent act - towards self.

For many, anger is out of awareness. It might come out passive-aggressively or is being turned inwards towards self. This can take the form of harsh or negative self-talk, poor self-care, lack of compassion towards self and others, or lack of recognition of, or connection with feelings of anger. When I hear suicidal thoughts, I’ll usually begin to work with anger. If anger is absent, we’ll be asking "where is it"? It is usually lurking somewhere.

Invariably, with every client at some point, I find myself saying the following words: “Anger is a healthy emotion. Yours is welcome in the room. The important thing about anger is that it needs to be expressed in a safe and healthy way – for you and those people around you”. In the therapy space, we will work gradually to raise awareness of anger – alongside finding healthy ways to manage and express it - outwardly and safely. Then therapy can evolve to explore the hurt and/or sadness that lies beneath the anger.

Anger is a healthy emotion. I’ll often refer clients to the book “The Healing Power of Anger” – either to read it or just to be mindful of the title. Our anger certainly deserves expression – both as adults and children.  As adults, we have a responsibility to express it in a safe and healthy manner. It is mature to process it ourselves at first. We never have the right to direct it physically (violently) at another person – neither adult nor child. It deserves exploration - for feelings that lie beneath and then perhaps appropriate expression.

A healthy home is not an anger-free zone. As parents, the onus is on us to manage and process our own anger. It's up to us to create a safe environment for our children to grow to regulate and express theirs. We need to be mindful that anger is a secondary emotion - meaning there's another feeling beneath it. Generally, where there's anger, there's hurt. Kids will often express that secondary emotion more readily than the primary one beneath - the hurt or sadness. Those who hurt will hurt others. Part of our job as parents is to help redirect them to the primary feeling. That's done over time & takes patience. Our homes need to be safe zones where anger is welcomed and this exploration is encouraged. It’s a necessary life skill.

Tom Evans is a dad, hubby, writer, counsellor and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork, Ireland.

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What’s going on in the shed?

There’s something deeply disturbing happening in men’s sheds in Ireland. I’m not talking about that wonderful men’s support movement – of Australian origin – that helps men the world over to meet in groups to talk – as they work on a project together in a shed, while enhancing their mental health in the process. Many of our men feel they can no longer go on. They feel unable to cope with the pressures of life. They see no escape and no hope for themselves. They feel isolated. Sadly, many of these men are going to their shed to end their own lives.

While there might be some tiny solace to be taken from the fact that our escalating suicide rate has stabilised, there is certainly no room for complacency. Men aged 45-54 are most likely to die by their own hand. The figures show that our teen suicide rates are the 4^th highest in Europe. The €12m spent here last year on suicide prevention is a welcome 20% increase in funding on the previous year. But still, during 2014, a total of 486 people took their own lives here, 399 of them men. In Ireland, men are four times more likely to take their own lives than women. Recently, in a small rural village, 2 men separately went to their sheds and ended their own lives. This village doesn’t need to be identified – because sadly this is an all too common event in contemporary Ireland.

Our men are most likely to die by suicide on Saturday night or Monday morning. Why are men doing this? Some will have experienced or perceive a significant loss or life change during the preceding month or year. Some could have recently experienced breakdown in a significant relationship. Life might have altered – either negatively or positively. Some might be in trouble legally or with the Gardai. And for many, we will never know.

For an individual to die by suicide, they will usually need to hold 3 conditions in mind – over a prolonged period of time. They’ll view themselves as a burden to their family, and/or their friends, and/or society. Secondly, they will feel alienated from others - maybe family, or person/s close to them, their circle of friends, or other valued group. And thirdly, they will have acquired the ability for lethal self-injury. 

When the proverbial hits the fan, many of us men withdraw into ourselves. We become isolated and we don’t reach out. We might be out of touch with our feelings or feel unable to show them. There’s a great myth about – that men don’t have feelings - that we are unemotional beings. This is an insult to every man. Men are capable of the same profound depth of feeling, sensitivity and thought. Some men feel they must always be macho - the perpetual virile hunter-gatherer. This is a one-dimensional view of man - which does us no favours. It serves only to add to feelings of isolation and inadequacy.

We men are less accepting of ourselves when our spirits take a dive. We often turn our anger inwards and not show our despair. In general, we are more capable of violence. Sadly, as we see in the suicide figures, much of our anger is being directed inwards - at ourselves, instead of outwardly – in a healthy, safe and appropriate way.

Many people will flirt with the notion of suicide at some point in their lives. Statements like “I’d be better off gone” or “they’d be better off without me” are commonplace in the therapy room. Having thoughts like these are part and parcel of the human condition – “normal” thought-responses to abnormal stress levels. But the truth is the vast majority of people never act on these thoughts.

Alcohol is involved in around 50% of Irish suicides. Alcohol is both a depressive drug, and a dis-inhibitor. It lowers inhibitions so that we are more likely to do something we would not normally consider. Excessive alcohol and drug use will lower inhibitions to the point where we will act on suicidal thoughts.

In Ireland, we drink to cope with difficult emotions or situations - to change our mood or mental state. But the truth is - alcohol adversely affects our ability to cope with, and overcome everyday stresses and life events. And it contributes to the development of mental health problems – not to their easing – as many think.

Yes, the first drink or two will increase feelings of well-being - but the effects are depressive from then on. Alcohol does not relieve anxiety and depression. It will usually increase them. Also, the more we drink, the more our tolerance of alcohol will increase – so we will need more to alter our mood or to lower our anxiety, thereby deepening the depression and increasing our anxiety in the process.

Men are generally reluctant to reach out for help. Showing vulnerability does not come easily to anybody. But we will seek help for others – because being a helpful team-player comes more naturally. The research shows that programs that appeal directly to suicidal men – to seek help, these programs do not work, whereas community and family geared interventions are more likely to reach the men who need these supports.

Still the word needs to go out to anybody in crisis, male or female: It is ok to seek help. It is ok to talk. It is ok to share our hurt and pain. Thankfully much of the stigma around mental health related issues has lifted. It has become normal and commonplace to discuss our emotional well-being. When overwhelmed and depressed, we need to exercise caution around alcohol. The families and individuals left bereaved by suicide are always left devastated. Nobody ever feels that the deceased person was burdensome. For those in crisis, supports are available and accessible – in local communities throughout the country. Talk to your doctor in the first instance. If you find it difficult to make the call for yourself, do it for the sake of those in your circle. The process is then underway and you have taken the first and most difficult step. Needing a hand from time to time is part and parcel of being human and being alive. Reach out, talk to someone. Don’t go to your shed to suffer silently or violently.

Tom Evans is a father, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork, Ireland.

P = 086 3375310

E = info@tomevans.ie 

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If you have been affected by this article, use these links for support and information:

www.facebook.com/corktherapies  Cork Therapies

www.iacp.ie Irish Association for counselling and Psychotherapy

www.samaritans.org Samaritans

www.nsrf.ie         National Suicide Research Foundation

www.ias.ie          Irish Association of Suicidology

www.console.ie   Console

www.headstrong.ie     Headstrong

www.aware.ie            Aware

www.pieta.ie             Pieta House

www.spunout.ie/       Spun Out

www.mentalhealthireland.ie      Mental Health Ireland

www.pipsproject.com/   PIPS Public Initiative for the Prevention of Suicide

www.headline.ie    Headline - National Media Monitoring Programme for Mental Health and Suicide