It's father’s day in Ireland, so here’s my timely take on the impact us dads can have on our kids.
Us
dads, we are models.. Yeah we might not realise it but we model lots of stuff
for our kids all of the time. And it’s not modelling in the fashion sense of
the word but in the “monkey see, monkey do” way. Kids will replicate what they
experience with parental figures. From us, they’ll learn how to live in the
world.
Most
parents will be familiar with the way that kids are super alert to the unspoken.
They sense what is going on. They are often more attuned and naturally emphatic
than ourselves. We can lose these perceptive
skills as we get older. But kids have it. And they are the proverbial sponge –
they soak everything in. They absorb the “ways” of their parental figures into their
fibre and psyche.
As
parents, and dads, we can have big impact in this regard. They will pick up on how
we are in ourselves, how we look after ourselves, if we love ourselves - in a
healthy way. They learn how we are in
relationship, how we treat our partner and others. They’ll see how we communicate,
how we confront and deal with conflict. They’ll know if we follow our dreams
and value our own happiness, what we settle for, the emphasis we place on money,
power and career, the priority we assign to our children, partner and work. They
instinctively know if we consider their happiness and well-being when making
big decisions in our lives.
The
powerful side to all of this is that kids will replicate much of our behaviour.
If we treat people badly, they will. If we do not attend to our own issues and
health, it’s most likely they will not. If we use substances or alcohol or
certain behaviours to soothe ourselves from our pain, it’s common that our
children will use the same defensive behaviours later. If we run from
commitment or difficulties, it’s likely their patterns will be similar. If we're contented and happy, they generally will be. If we model
destructive behaviour – they will internalise this and replicate it in
some way.
The
really promising and beautiful aspect to all of this is that when we break new
ground in ourselves, whether emotionally, psychologically or spiritually, then our
kids automatically get the benefits. Because they will pick it up unconsciously.
Therein is the promise and accessible bit for all parents – that the best way
to influence our kids positively – is by doing it ourselves. Walking the walk
rather than talking the talk.
Tom Evans is a dad, hubby, writer, counsellor and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork, Ireland.
Mob: (086)3375310
Lo-call: 1890 989 320
Mob: (086)3375310
Lo-call: 1890 989 320
Email: info@tomevans.ie
