Pregnancy for Expectant dads.

Oh the excitement before we had our first baby. The thrill when we realised we were bringing a little one into our world – a monumental step.

I remember the first scan at 12 weeks. How miniscule, other-worldly and moving that was. Seeing the curled-up form of our little baby, with its own independently beating heart - was a life-defining moment. A new life in the making. It was mind-blowing and emotional. And we discovered it was going to be a little boy. We couldn't wait to see our baby again so, a while later, we went for another scan, paying extra to get 40 photos, the DVD, the whole shooting match!

On holidays that summer, before the birth, we started a book for our new baby, a kind of place to write letters to him. Now we’ve got books for each of our three kids. Hopefully they’ll make interesting reading for our adult children one day. If the house was on fire and everybody out, these might be among the very few items I’d consider going back in for. Everything is in those books - reminiscences, anecdotes, the crazy stuff they do, the mad phrases they use, if they’re doing my head in, that’s in there too.

The first pregnancy is full of upsides for dad. There's hardly any debate about who’ll drive back from the pub. No worries about contraception and chances are mammy’s appetite in the bedroom won’t be dented till well into the third trimester. There’s plenty time to get organised, get informed, get equipped and decorate the baby room etc. And it's a second childhood for dad. When I heard that our first was going to be a boy, I was thrilled - boy toys! Lego bricks! wheels!

It's awesome seeing your partner's body changing and imagining a little one growing in there. I learned that his hearing abilities had developed by 24 weeks and I remember having one-way conversations with Amy’s bump from then onwards. When the kicking first started I was convinced there was a code here to be cracked somehow. This was my boy successfully communicating with his dad, planning his escape!

Like mammies, us dads evolve to meet the challenge too. More love flows, we grow closer as partners and we create a baby ready and friendly place. Dads get involved in the whole “nesting” process – that time during the third Trimester when expectant mums become concerned with not only space, colours and fabrics, but also about income, expenditure, and financial security. It's her deepest maternal instinct to provide for her baby’s security. Also, sex is going to become less frequent and less adventurous around then. An insecure dad might feel a bit un-alpha-male but, hey, you’re going to be a dad soon, so climb down from the proverbial cross – as she’ll need the wood no doubt – for shelving or something.

If there’s stuff that’s taking from your enjoyment of this special time, discuss it with her. If you feel unable to do that, then at least have the odd chin wag with a buddy who you confide in – its’ probably nothing that other dads won’t be familiar with. 

Becoming a dad can sometimes require us dads to up our game. This needn't send a shudder up the spine - as the first baby won't transform life beyond recognition. If you're active outside of home, with sports, hobbies, social life, as well as work, you might need to make some choices or changes. No need to throw your toys out of the pram though. ‘You-time’ won’t disappear when the baby arrives. Your fellow dad buddies will readily understand, while the non-dad buddies might be trickier. 

Don’t isolate yourself. It's important that you hold onto your pint night with the lads or whatever your thing is. Even with 2 children, I found that there was still adequate ‘me-time’ available. But pregnancy number 3 was a game changer. ‘Me-time’ evaporated overnight. The workload became constant and totally overwhelming. I had to flog my boat around then. Literally. That was a ballbreaker..

Overall, I found the first six months heavy going with each of our kids - sleep deprivation being the biggest challenge. Everything escalates when sleep is bad. Don’t hesitate to use the spare room or take those naps. And there are plenty non-habit-forming sleep remedies available over the counter. Do what’s needed to keep yourself ticking over and the parenting adventure will be full of joy, new possibilities and fulfilment. Good luck on your journey!

Useful links; Related articles of mine: 

"The birth Journey"

http://pullupachairthere.blogspot.ie/2015/07/the-birth-journey-tales-from-dads-side_22.html

"10 tips for new dads - when mom and baby come home"

www.pullupachairthere.blogspot.ie/2015/07/10-tips-for-dads-when-new-baby-arrives.html

Tom Evans is a dad, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork, Rep of Irl.

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:    www.facebook.com/corktherapies

Two Sides to Every Story

History is on my mind today. As I went to my local polling station, I glanced across Cork harbour at the beauty of Cobh and I thought of my grandparents, 3 of whom emigrated via Cobh (formerly Queenstown) to the USA over 100 years ago. Shipping and transatlantic traffic had advanced to a new level back then. As they left in the early 1900s, they were amongst the first wave of emigrants for whom returning to Ireland again was a possibility – albeit a very remote one.

All of this crossed my mind this morning because I had seen some earlier twitter traffic showing the huge numbers of Irish emigrants journeying back to Ireland – just for today – to vote in our historic marriage equality referendum - extending marriage to same-sex couples. I wondered if many emigrants over the generations felt they had to emigrate so they could live authentically and true to themselves? I felt the hand of history today – and hoped that this day would be a defining one in our nation’s evolution - a day to truly herald equality and inclusion.

It’s funny that my grandfather entered my mind again soon after. "There’s 2 sides to every story" he used to say. When I arrived at my polling station, I was met at the door with a powerful religious display of the virgin Mary surrounded by children. Given the significant issue of the day, the emphasis on children during the campaign, and the position adopted by the church, I felt the display was inappropriate for today. Irish law prohibits “participant” groups from having displays near to the polling station on polling day.

It made me feel uncomfortable – not because of the religious aspect but because of its juxtaposition to the civil referendum taking place. When I highlighted this to the polling station staff, they were very understanding and helpful in their explanation. This polling station happens to be a Catholic denomination school, this a school-related Confirmation display that’s been there for weeks – in this same location. They said they would address it with the school. I heard their reasonable explanation and I understood the celebration it was associated with. There are two sides to every story.

We’ve heard from both sides in this referendum debate. It’s been divisive for some. But what a healthy conversation we have had as a nation. Yes there’s been hurt aired and provoked – on both sides. But we’ve been extremely honest and passionate. We have led the way in terms of open discussion.

Ok, so already approx 18 countries have legalised gay marriage. But we are the first country in the world to put the issue to a democratic vote for our citizens to decide. We are the first country in the world to have had this open, healthy and honest discussion. 

Well done us.  It takes two sides to make History.

Tom Evans is a father, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork.

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:     www.facebook.com/corktherapies

Live and Let Live eh?

It is interesting looking at the Irish nation through the lens of the upcoming marriage equality referendum. It is a snapshot of the big ‘Us’. Exactly where we are at in terms of our vision and aspirations for ourselves, for our country and our place in the world.

For me, there are two important pointers on that lens: our acceptance of difference among our people and the degree of inclusivity in our national conversations. We’ve always had a nice phrase for it - “live and let live”.

As I cuddle my kids, and kiss them good night, I sometimes think what a precious passage it is – through the day, and through our lives. It beats me that somebody would deny another person the right to be a parent, or the right to marry the person they love.

I hear the genuinely raised concerns about the impact of this referendum legislation on the conventional family unit. What this piece seeks to ensure, is that the union of a gay or lesbian couple is equally respected and supported in the eyes of our constitution as that of my wife and I. This does not weaken or threaten our union or our family unit in any way. In fact, our marriage and our family will be enhanced, because we will live in an enlightened country that respects, supports and cherishes all families equally - in a mature and responsible way.

I hear the lofty rationale for justifying discrimination against people based on their sexual orientation, but no matter how it is presented, discrimination is discrimination. I quote Colm O'Gorman, Executive Director of Amnesty International Ireland: "The best way to eliminate discrimination against people is not to discriminate". Equal rights for all.

Fear often lies beneath our sophisticated reasoned arguments for discrimination. Fear of difference, fear of inclusion, fear of embracing life in all of its diversity. To quote Marianne Williamson “it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us”.

As well as being a dad and husband, I work as a counsellor. I see society’s discriminatory messages legitimised in our laws and how they impact peoples’ day-to-day lives. Words and therefore votes can hurt deeply. That kind of pain impacts on people’s well-being, their mental health and even their life expectancy.

This referendum is important to me - as a man, a dad and a husband. I want my kids to grow up in a country where everybody is deemed a first class citizen – not one that fosters division, discrimination or denial - to some. Discrimination always says more about the speaker than the person being discriminated against. It genuinely saddens me how people who care deeply for others can at the same time, support injustice and discrimination against some.

I want to live in an inclusive enlightened society and I’d like to do my bit to build it - for my kids and their generation. I am grateful for much of the legacy of the previous generation, but there is still much to let go of. Discrimination based on sexual orientation is part of that legacy that is unjust and wrong. It doesn’t take any special awareness to realise that exclusion and discrimination breed dysfunction and therefore lead to hurt and pain.

I want my kids to be socially adept to embrace change and diversity. I want them to feel secure enough that they are comfortable with other people’s ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation. I want them to never feel discriminated against. Whether it’s based on colour, religious views or lack thereof, or sexual orientation, I want a society that says “live and let live”. And my wish is that they will buy into that themselves and propagate it in their lives, wherever they go.

Today, our families come in all shapes and sizes, so let us nurture and support them all. Embrace inclusion and celebrate difference. Live and let live.

Tom Evans is a father, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork.

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:     www.facebook.com/corktherapies

Big Decisions

Sometimes we shy away from making big changes in life. We know deep down that things are not quite right. Whether it’s work, relationship, family, abode, the list goes on...

These are big decisions and complicated situations. That is the nature of adult life. There may be other people to consider. Financial considerations might limit our choices or the risks are too great to make changes. 

Sometimes it’s our discomfort with vulnerability that keeps us in a rut. We fear doing something different. We fear changing something that has become habitual and familiar, even if resented. We might attribute our fear to others – as in “what will my family or friends say?” but essentially, it is our fear.

In the therapy world, one frame for psychotherapy is based on the premise that when our environment is not sufficiently supportive at a particular life stage, we can hold the trauma incurred at that point (eg. accident, abuse, death of someone close), and, we can access the psychological and emotional pain years after the original trauma occurred. 

Un-healed trauma can become active later in our lives - either for resolution, or in an unhelpful way - when stress is high. Unresolved issues can keep us stuck in a rut and unable to overcome our own inertia. We'll feel as though we're incapable or undeserving of taking big steps and making bold moves - that our hearts and minds desire. 

There’s a piece at the core of therapy, called “inner child work”. It’s about examining the inner relationship – between ourselves at this adult juncture and our earlier "inner-child" part. The work concentrates on healing the child-part that might have suffered emotional and psychological trauma earlier in life. Therapy for such issues can be rewarding and life changing.

And sometimes there isn’t an identifiable event or obvious reason for our being “stuck”. We may just need to hear ourselves think and talk through our fears. The benefits of talking therapy are profound, and the rewards come at many levels. Once the inner relationship is healthy, all else follows.

Tom Evans is a father, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork.

Call: 086 3375310

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

FB:    www.facebook.com/corktherapies

What’s going on in the shed?

There’s something deeply disturbing happening in men’s sheds in Ireland. I’m not talking about that wonderful men’s support movement – of Australian origin – that helps men the world over to meet in groups to talk – as they work on a project together in a shed, while enhancing their mental health in the process. Many of our men feel they can no longer go on. They feel unable to cope with the pressures of life. They see no escape and no hope for themselves. They feel isolated. Sadly, many of these men are going to their shed to end their own lives.

While there might be some tiny solace to be taken from the fact that our escalating suicide rate has stabilised, there is certainly no room for complacency. Men aged 45-54 are most likely to die by their own hand. The figures show that our teen suicide rates are the 4^th highest in Europe. The €12m spent here last year on suicide prevention is a welcome 20% increase in funding on the previous year. But still, during 2014, a total of 486 people took their own lives here, 399 of them men. In Ireland, men are four times more likely to take their own lives than women. Recently, in a small rural village, 2 men separately went to their sheds and ended their own lives. This village doesn’t need to be identified – because sadly this is an all too common event in contemporary Ireland.

Our men are most likely to die by suicide on Saturday night or Monday morning. Why are men doing this? Some will have experienced or perceive a significant loss or life change during the preceding month or year. Some could have recently experienced breakdown in a significant relationship. Life might have altered – either negatively or positively. Some might be in trouble legally or with the Gardai. And for many, we will never know.

For an individual to die by suicide, they will usually need to hold 3 conditions in mind – over a prolonged period of time. They’ll view themselves as a burden to their family, and/or their friends, and/or society. Secondly, they will feel alienated from others - maybe family, or person/s close to them, their circle of friends, or other valued group. And thirdly, they will have acquired the ability for lethal self-injury. 

When the proverbial hits the fan, many of us men withdraw into ourselves. We become isolated and we don’t reach out. We might be out of touch with our feelings or feel unable to show them. There’s a great myth about – that men don’t have feelings - that we are unemotional beings. This is an insult to every man. Men are capable of the same profound depth of feeling, sensitivity and thought. Some men feel they must always be macho - the perpetual virile hunter-gatherer. This is a one-dimensional view of man - which does us no favours. It serves only to add to feelings of isolation and inadequacy.

We men are less accepting of ourselves when our spirits take a dive. We often turn our anger inwards and not show our despair. In general, we are more capable of violence. Sadly, as we see in the suicide figures, much of our anger is being directed inwards - at ourselves, instead of outwardly – in a healthy, safe and appropriate way.

Many people will flirt with the notion of suicide at some point in their lives. Statements like “I’d be better off gone” or “they’d be better off without me” are commonplace in the therapy room. Having thoughts like these are part and parcel of the human condition – “normal” thought-responses to abnormal stress levels. But the truth is the vast majority of people never act on these thoughts.

Alcohol is involved in around 50% of Irish suicides. Alcohol is both a depressive drug, and a dis-inhibitor. It lowers inhibitions so that we are more likely to do something we would not normally consider. Excessive alcohol and drug use will lower inhibitions to the point where we will act on suicidal thoughts.

In Ireland, we drink to cope with difficult emotions or situations - to change our mood or mental state. But the truth is - alcohol adversely affects our ability to cope with, and overcome everyday stresses and life events. And it contributes to the development of mental health problems – not to their easing – as many think.

Yes, the first drink or two will increase feelings of well-being - but the effects are depressive from then on. Alcohol does not relieve anxiety and depression. It will usually increase them. Also, the more we drink, the more our tolerance of alcohol will increase – so we will need more to alter our mood or to lower our anxiety, thereby deepening the depression and increasing our anxiety in the process.

Men are generally reluctant to reach out for help. Showing vulnerability does not come easily to anybody. But we will seek help for others – because being a helpful team-player comes more naturally. The research shows that programs that appeal directly to suicidal men – to seek help, these programs do not work, whereas community and family geared interventions are more likely to reach the men who need these supports.

Still the word needs to go out to anybody in crisis, male or female: It is ok to seek help. It is ok to talk. It is ok to share our hurt and pain. Thankfully much of the stigma around mental health related issues has lifted. It has become normal and commonplace to discuss our emotional well-being. When overwhelmed and depressed, we need to exercise caution around alcohol. The families and individuals left bereaved by suicide are always left devastated. Nobody ever feels that the deceased person was burdensome. For those in crisis, supports are available and accessible – in local communities throughout the country. Talk to your doctor in the first instance. If you find it difficult to make the call for yourself, do it for the sake of those in your circle. The process is then underway and you have taken the first and most difficult step. Needing a hand from time to time is part and parcel of being human and being alive. Reach out, talk to someone. Don’t go to your shed to suffer silently or violently.

Tom Evans is a father, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork, Ireland.

P = 086 3375310

E = info@tomevans.ie 

W = http://www.tomevans.ie/

If you have been affected by this article, use these links for support and information:

www.facebook.com/corktherapies  Cork Therapies

www.iacp.ie Irish Association for counselling and Psychotherapy

www.samaritans.org Samaritans

www.nsrf.ie         National Suicide Research Foundation

www.ias.ie          Irish Association of Suicidology

www.console.ie   Console

www.headstrong.ie     Headstrong

www.aware.ie            Aware

www.pieta.ie             Pieta House

www.spunout.ie/       Spun Out

www.mentalhealthireland.ie      Mental Health Ireland

www.pipsproject.com/   PIPS Public Initiative for the Prevention of Suicide

www.headline.ie    Headline - National Media Monitoring Programme for Mental Health and Suicide

The Reality Behind The Headlines

Have you seen this headline on social media or the tabloids?

"Red alert to parents as convicted child predator arrives in Dublin…with a suitcase full of toys”. 

 

I find this kind of headline a bit grating. It’s sensationalist, scaremongering and it propagates the notion that the “predator” is the stranger, an unknown and probably "not from around here". I'm not suggesting that anybody ignore the risk posed by this individual, but sadly, the truth is that children are at much greater risk from those they know and those who they are entrusted to, than the unknown stranger.

That’s a scary and depressing thought and I guess it goes a long way in explaining why we tend to demonise the stranger – who is as different to us in as many ways as possible. It’s easier to get our head around that, rather than confront the actual truth, that when it comes to predators of child sexual abuse, we don’t need to go far to find them.

I’m sure those people who shared the above warning on social media meant well and intended to inform fellow-parents and carers of an increased risk. But the stats show the profound misunderstanding of where the greatest risk dwells, and how the misunderstanding is perpetuated by a media in snappy headlines.

A paedophile is a person whose only sexual interest is in children. The majority of those who sexually abuse children are not paedophiles, but heterosexuals who have adult sexual relationships as well as abusing children. Both types of predator perpetrate heinous crimes on children and cause immeasurable suffering to their defenceless victims. 

Figures provided by support organisations tell the story. Each represents a child who has had a crime perpetrated on them and has suffered an ocean of pain as a result.

One-in-Four (of their Psychotherapy clients, 2012):

o   53% were sexually abused within their own families.

o   8% were abused by family friends or neighbours

o   16% were abused by members of the clergy.

o   9% were abused by professionals (coach, teacher, etc)

o   14% were abused by a total stranger.

Rape Crisis Network Ireland (2007):

o   Girls are much more likely to be abused by a family member (55%).

o   One third of the abuse committed on boys was perpetrated by a family member.

o   Boys are much more likely than girls to be abused by an authority figure, which may include a youth leader, priest, or sports coach.

o   Offenders are overwhelmingly male, at 96%. While the majority of abusers are men, both men and women sexually abuse children.

o   In about a quarter of cases, the abuser is him or herself a child or teenager.

o   In 86% of child abuse cases, the abuser is likely to be well known to the family, if not a family member.

These numbers tell a harrowing story and they show that while the stereotype of the child sexual abuser suggests that they are instantly recognisable as suspect, in fact, in most cases, child sexual abusers appear to be ordinary, trustworthy people and the majority operate very effectively and ‘normally’ in society. Child sexual abusers come from every type of social background. In some cases, they may be socially skilled individuals who take up leadership roles in the community. So, when it comes to protecting your children from sexual abuse, it’s more likely that you will already know the person who is most likely to be the predator.

KEEPING CHILDREN SAFE

Parents, we need to be OK with our child shouting words like NO, STOP, I WONT, and I HATE YOU, - at us - from time to time. It is a necessary life skill. Having that permission in place helps them in many ways. It helps their assertiveness and confidence. It helps them to develop awareness of their safety and well-being. 
Kids will be better able to take the right action to protect themselves when they have “rehearsed” many times over, in safety, and in an age appropriate way. Obviously, there are times when it’s inappropriate for children to shout etc at parents, but also, there are times when they are quite entitled to do so. Communication channels need to be open for anything, and us parents need to be able for it all (ouch), if we are to provide the healthiest psychological and emotional training ground for our kids.

Listen to, and hear our children. When we are talking, we’re probably  not listening. Have those quiet moments when you really listen and hear your children – like bedtime. And always believe children. If you're incredulous or shocked at something they tell you, accept it and carry out your own inquiries subsequently.

Encourage children not to keep secrets. Abusers will often develop a strong bond with the child before doing something sexual. They will test the child’s boundaries in some other inappropriate way at first. Explain to children how some secrets are not safe to keep.

Parents need to be involved in their kids activities and know what others are doing with your kids.

Above all else, ask the awkward questions and inquire - always. Our Children's safety is way more important than someone being embarrassed, inconvenienced, or even offended. Children depend on our support in this regard.

A good news story this year in Ireland, is the launch of The Child and Family Agency, called Tusla. This is a statutory organisation, established in January 2014. Under Section 8 of the Act, it is required to support and promote the development, welfare and protection of children, and support and encourage the effective functioning of families. It’s a strong step in the right direction from government, albeit brought about after years of neglect and denial.

Tom Evans is a father, hubby, writer, counsellor, and psychotherapist based in Midleton, Cork, Ireland

Call 086 3375310

Email:  info@tomevans.ie

Web:   http://www.tomevans.ie/

Facebook        https://www.facebook.com/corktherapies

If you’ve been affected by this piece or need further information, you can make contact with me, through any of the above, or alternatively, here are some other useful links:

One-in-Four               http://www.oneinfour.ie/
Rape Crisis Network    www.rcni.ie

Barnardos                  http://www.barnardos.ie/index.html 

Citizens Information 
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/services_and_supports_for_children/child_abuse.html